


Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

by nekobishi



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: :DDDDDDDD, Additional Warnings Apply, Fluff, Happy Ending, I AM LITERALLY THE WORST, M/M, Major Depression, Molestation, Multi, Mysophobia, OCD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Self Harm, Self-Flagellation, Self-Hatred, Slow Build, Smut, Suicide Attempts, Trigger Warnings, explicit content, i am not, idk ill update as i go, slow as fuck, the whole shibang, wow are u ready for this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-10 10:44:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7841683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nekobishi/pseuds/nekobishi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi Ackerman had been avoiding counseling all his life- convincing himself only he could fix his problems, despite any real progress being ever made. He worried his friends, he worried his mother, and he had never been in a relationship that lasted more than a month. After an intervention with his two closest friends, he had finally decided to bite the bullet at thirty-two years old and see a counselor by the name of Eren Jeager, a highly acclaimed therapist and psychologist- son of medical prodigy Grisha Jeager.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> AYYYYYEEEE Starting a new thing! No I will not be dropping Mood Indigo, it is still very much ongoing- so check it out if you havent and you like baby punk/goth Levi (what a cutie help) http://archiveofourown.org/works/2510549/chapters/5576198
> 
> So I guess I have a thing about movie titles, eh? So since this will be heavily phycological I thought Eternal Sunshine would be perfect. C; 
> 
> I've just came up with this idea, and I thought it would be SO perfect and new/creative! Let me know what you think and have any suggestions- because once again I am writing the plot as I go :DDDDDDDDD Imtheworst

The waiting room was tasteful- nothing like Levi had previously imagined. No stark walls, no headache-inducing fluorescents baring down on him. The only true horror where the outdated, irrelevant magazines littering the small side table before Levi had gotten to them. Now, they were organized neatly, in a stack by year- to the dark-haired man’s discontent, there were gaps in the issues dates. He couldn't shake the irritation of it that settled in the back of his mind.  
He had seated himself on a faux-leather loveseat (after wiping it down with the antiseptic wipes he carried on his person at all times) that was a mahogany color, and fairly comfortable. He had no complaints other than the color was just slightly off to the other two chairs facing him. He wondered if the discoloration was due to water or light damage.  
There was even a fishtank, which after Levi had gotten over his original disgust of potential algae and mildew found it quite soothing. There were various colors of fish that floated lazily along their artificial habitat, some even floated in between the plastic seaweed, not seeming to be conscious. Levi wondered if it might be dead.  
Maybe he would get himself one. Having another thing to clean soothed his nerves. 

The dark-haired man was anxious- very much so despite his cool exterior, and tried to remind himself his purpose of coming so as to not flee. He turns on his phone, tapping the message icon to open the last text he had received. 

**[From: Shitty Glasses]** **Don’t worry this is good for u!!!! It will help  
** **Promise  
**He is 1 of the best in the city. Be strong!!!!!****

He scoffs again at the unnecessary amount of exclamation points. He had promised them he would text them as soon as he was through. A youthful, boyish voice rings out in the waiting room.

“Ackerman? Levi A- “

Startled, Levi jumps up- his phone clattering to the floor. He had never been good with being surprised. He grumbles and fishes his phone off the floor- only to bump heads with the young man also reaching for it, who had called his name.

“Shi- Shoot! I’m sorry, are you alright?” 

The taller _boy_ , really, bumbles about, hands flittering uselessly around the shorter. 

“I’m a klutz, gosh I’m so sorry…” 

Levi waves the hands away from him, grunting and still looking down at the grey carpet. 

“S’fine.” 

He suddenly feels 7 inches tall, fumbling with his phone and looking down in embarrassment. He knew he had to go. He knew his friends were worried. They had put up a blind eye per his request long enough and he didn’t want them suffering on his behalf. This is what he did. He made people suffer with his long-list of baggage. 

“Sir?”

The voice had shifted from boyish tittering to genuine concern, voice husky and low. Levi finally looks up. 

“Sorry.” 

He straightens up, posture impeccable and deep voice (though quiet) commanding and confident again. He holds out a pale, chapped and scabbed hand to the younger. 

“Levi.”

He offers, the taller smiles, startling aqua eyes like the caribbean ocean twinkling and crinkle at the corners. 

“I’m so happy to meet you, Levi. I’m Eren.” 

Their handshake is strong, firm. Perfect to any military standards. 

“Follow me, then.”


	2. The Do's and Dont's

The session had been bearable thus far, Eren mostly going through the formalities, procedures, and privacy rules for a good chunk of their time. He asked Levi questions, personal questions, and despite the over-hanging uncomfort Levi found it surprisingly easy to answer truthfully. The first few times he did lie (though impulsively) Eren had looked up, given full attention and concern through his eyes, and asked- “Is that so?” And Levi all but crumbled, revising his answer without a wisp of judgement from the (assumed) younger. After Eren had shuffled a few papers in his lap, he suddenly permeated the air with a new aura, now that they were done with the basics Levi would be under the scrutiny of the green eyes that seemed to see through everything. 

“So, Levi.” 

Levi had been looking down into his lap. Gunmetal blue eyes flick up hesitantly. 

“Tell me a little why you’re here, if you don’t mind.” 

Eren wasn’t demanding, his tone was indifferent but yet caring and Levi had never experienced such a thing in his life. The smaller chokes up- unable to cough up any words that he wanted. 

_He doesn’t care._  
Just tell him what he wants.  
He can’t help you anyway. 

“I’m depressed.”

He sighs, face obviously strained. 

“I think.” 

It feels like a blockage in his chest had leaked out with his words. Eren continues to look expectantly at Levi, as though he knows, as though he can see the gears in his head turning and knows he wants to say more. But Levi doesn’t- or rather. He can’t. His throat seems to close without his consent. 

“Thank you. I know opening up is hard.”

But Eren had already known why Levi was here, he knew through the various questions and surveys he had taken what diagnosis Levi had. He needed to hear the raven’s experiences through it. Eren starts again, crossing his ankles and pushing his glasses back onto the bridge of his nose. 

“This will be hard. It will be painful, I’m not going to bullshit you here. Mental health is extremely complicated, and we will only get as far as you want to. I won’t force you to do or say anything, because that’s not why I’m here. I’m here to help you fix your own problems- by whatever means necessary. I am committed to you, okay? So please, I’m asking for you to be honest, and try as much as you can. You’re important, and your health- mental or otherwise- is important. When you can’t do anymore, that’s okay. You tell me when you need to stop.” 

That was the first time Levi caught a glimpse of the fire burning behind the jewel-like eyes, and it wouldn’t be the last. He was shocked, honestly- of this level of intensity, passion and commitment from the near stranger. He nods, silken hair falling in his face before returning to their place. Eren nods back. 

“So, our time is almost up-”

He glances at the wall clock behind Levi. 

“I would like to see you twice a week. I think we have a lot of work to get done, do you agree?”

Levi nods dumbly again.

“I was thinking one formal sesh and a casual one, we can meet up at a park or cafe of your choice, just so it doesn’t feel as confined or stiff.”

And the young boy was back, bubbly and almost bouncing in his chair. He itches his scalp with the pen in his hand. Gross.

“What days would work for you? I’ve got a Thursday, Friday and uh….Wednesday. Late Wednesday.” 

Levi turns on his phone again, pretending to look at his schedule on the calendar app. He had it memorized, and he didn’t go out or do anything in his free time. Not anymore. 

“Wednesday and Friday, I suppose.”

“Alright-” 

Eren had fished out a laptop from the messanger bag on the floor and began to type away. 

“Wednesday at 8:00p.m, and on Friday 6:00a.m, 3:00p.m or 3:30?” 

His large-framed glasses had started to slip again. He pushed them up . Levi was staring. 

“6:00 please.” 

Levi could be done before work. He leaves the office with a new air of hope about him. Eren seemed good at what he did. Eren seemed capable. Eren had walked him down to his car and shook hands with him again, bright white teeth shown off with his wide smile. Levi couldn’t help but smile a little back. It was contagious. Eren had told him he was very happy to work with him, and that he would seem him the coming Wednesday.

**[To:Shitty Glasses]  
** **Done.  
**

**[From:Shitty Glasses]  
AWSUM!!!!!!Ill be over in 60 so u can tell me all about it!**

Levi sighs, climbing into his sleek car and tossing his phone to the passenger seat. He loosens the ash-grey tie around his neck and pops open the top two buttons of his stiff shirt. He doesn’t do anything but sit, head back against the headrest for a few moments. He closes his eyes. Everything hurt. Everything hurt but he was hopeful. The usual anxiety of having someone come over to his place was lessened significantly today. He almost was looking forward for them to be there. Almost. 

He peels out of the parking garage- radio cranked up to drown out any negativity in his head.

______________________________________________________________________________

 

Hanji, to say the least, was delighted. They were a therapist as well, specializing in dysphoria and transgender related counseling. They knew Eren would be a perfect fit. 

“I knew it!”  
Hanji giggles over their glass of wine, sloshing it around while Fantastic Mr.Fox played in the background. It was a favorite of both of theirs. 

“I told you, didn’t I? Tell me I was right. That’s all I need- pleaaaaaseee.” 

Levi huffs, rolling his eyes and bringing his cold knees up to his chest and under the fluffy blanket he hid under. 

“Quit fucking around, you’re going to spill on my carpet. Or couch. Both even.” 

He takes a sip of his own red wine. It wasn’t horribly bitter like most of Hanji’s favorites. 

Another knock came at the door. Levi sighs again. 

“I’m not getting up!” 

He calls out just as Erwin is stepping through the threshold. Fuckin’ Captain America. Erwin was still in his work clothes. 

“Forgive my lateness, we had a bit of a last minute emergency with one of the clients. Apparently last minute evidence of her affair had come out, and they needed me-” 

He rolls his eyes dramatically. 

“-to come and deal with it. I mean, there is an entire _team_ working for this bitch, but she wanted _me_ personally. “

“Gross-” 

Both Levi and Hanji look up with crinkled noses, exclaiming their disgust in unison. 

“I know!” 

Erwin had hung up his coat next to Hanji’s, both being very careful as to not upset Levi’s _other_ ‘conditions’, they liked to call it. The couch dips heavily under the substantial weight of the hunking marvel hero, limp wrist at the ready to continue his bitching. 

“So I’m there, ready to actually work and she just tries to climb all over me- _in front_ of the rest of the team! Turns out the evidence against her was fairly substantial, I’m not sure even I can wiggle her out of it. Not that I really want to, at this point.” He shivers, thinking back to his very unpleasant encounter. 

“Women gross me out. In that regard, anyway. Petra-” His receptionist “-is lovely, obviously, but vaginas are strictly a no-no zone for me. Ick.” Hanji snorts out their wine, and after a fair amount of screeching says- 

“Penis’s aren’t exactly the prettiest things _either_! They just...hang there! It’s weird, it’s unnatural!” Levi’s eyes didn’t like the sloshing crimson liquid as she exclaims fervently. 

“At least cooches are like, _in_ -”

“ALRIGHT.”

The two turn toward the bellowing voice. Levi sat, innocent and unblinking. 

“All this genital talk is making me want to vomit. Find something else to scrutinize.” He continues to stare daggers into the two, taking a small sip of his wine. 

His two friends shiver. They both nod.

______________________________________________________________________________

It was nearing 2:00 a.m, the three friends huddled close on the couch- Levi huddling as close as he could without being uncomfortable. Another claymation film was on, this time, Frankenweenie. 

“So it went well, I take it?” 

If you didn’t know him well, you wouldn’t know Erwin was more than a little drunk. You could tell by the way his eyebrows slanted, like he was both concerned and trying to squint. 

Levi shrugged. Hanji snored abruptly in between the two men. 

“We didn’t get to much other than the formalities.” 

Erwin nods in approval. 

They’re silent for a moment.

“And you’ll go again?”

Levi hesitates. He doesn’t want to lie, but he doesn’t know if he will. 

“Levi….” 

Said man looks away, thin brows furrow in a look of shame. Erwin and Hanji where the only ones who could make him feel like a child. 

“You have to.” 

No answer.

“Not for us, for yourself.” 

Levi sighs again. 

“I know.”

 

Levi decides it’s time for him to try to rest- not very hopeful he will, but he at least pretends by laying in his bed. He makes sure Hanji and Erwin are situated on the couch- fine with their company and well acquainted with the cleaning their stays required after. 

It was a good day when they could come into the house. Sometimes Levi wouldn’t even allow himself into the apartment- worried he would dirty it, he would pace for hours around the building, wringing his hands and sometimes breaking down and calling one of the two now resting on his huge L-shape couch. They usually grounded him enough so that he could push past his fear and unlock the door to his home. 

He strips off his clothes, folding them and placing them into the dry-cleaners hamper. It was almost full, he would need to go this week.

He changes his briefs for a clean pair, throwing on an old band t-shirt(no one must know) and the softest sweatpants. They were his favorite. It made his legs feel like smooth, awesome eels while he rolled around restlessly in his far too big temperpedic bed. 

He finally manages to fall asleep at 5:00a.m with the help of a sleeping pill. He falls into a comatose-like dreamless rest for the next three hours, waking to the smell of something burning. He could hear Erwin and Hanji yelling. Levi groans, not wanting to get up. Those fucking idiots. Rolling from his warm spot on the bed, he bursts through the bedroom door and into the kitchen, where Hanji has a hot pan in one hand a bag of pancake mix in the other. They’re flailing untll they notice Erwin laughing and looking at Levi behind them. 

“Any reason you’re trying to burn my house down and _ruin_ my favorite pan?!” He snatches it from their clutches. Hanji squeaks. 

“And you!” 

Erwin drops his bemused expression.

“Why are you letting them _destroy_ my fucking kitchen?!” 

He glares them both down for what seems like way too long- before taking what’s left of the pancake batter and re-lighting the stove. 

“Go sit over there where you won’t fuck my house up.” 

He waves at the kitchen table without looking up. 

 

______________________________________________________________________________

It’s Wednesday, and Levi still hasn’t determined if he was going to his appointment or not. He received texts from both Erwin and Hanji prompting him to go. His phone goes off again.  
This time it was Petra. Levi growls in his throat. 

“Sir? You alright?” 

The coder he was facilitating swivels in his chair to face him. 

“Yeah yeah, here-”

He points to the black and green screen in front of them. 

“There’s the problem. “

Not truly believing it, the man (Marco, his name was on a file on his desk) squints, only to gasp softly to himself.

“Wow! Sir, good catch, thank you!” 

He happily swivels back, and begins to type away again. Levi grumbles to himself all the way to his office.

Most his days were spent in a similar fashion- He would sit in his office, trying to avoid the glare of the computer screen until one of the coders he managed needed assistance. He rarely did any of it himself these days. 

Today, he locks the office door, sinks into his rather comfortable computer chair, and lays his head back. He meditates, or at least tries to until the bad thoughts threaten their presence. So maybe he did need to go and see Eren tonight. Maybe it was needed, as much as he hated to admit defeat. As much as he hated to explain the awful thoughts crowding his mind. He couldn’t keep them at bay anymore, with his lack of sleep and not-so great diet. His work outs had lessened significantly so he succumbed to sickness more easily as well. He rubs his face with his hands, those awful, invasive tears threaten to spill. Fine. Fine. 

He would go. 

 

He pulls up, a half hour late to his appointment, and very agitated with the traffic jam from hell that had made him so. He mutters and curses to himself all the way to the elevators, pressing the button repeatedly with tissue to protect from the germs. He curses some more. This is what he gets for trying to take care of himself. This is what happens. Fuck. Fu-

“Oh! There you are. I was worried.”

The ocean, blissful waves and comfortable heat. Bright, aqua twinkling with mischief and passion.  
Eren. 

“H-hi..”

God, how he hates himself right now. 

“That’s alright, though. You’re my last appointment for the day so we can make up the time. Don’t worry.” 

He smiles down at the very obviously disgruntled man. Levi stands there. 

“Come on-” 

Eren beckons, signaling for Levi to get on the elevator. 

“O-oh! Right.” 

He shuffles on, Eren punching the number for their floor. Then theres silence, following the shut sliding doors. 

“Sorry, again..I..There was some heavy traffic. It was hell.” 

“The traffic jam from hell?”

Levi chuckles, his stomach unwinding from the knot that day had built up. 

“Yeah.” 

They rode in silence the rest of the way. Levi follows the young man and his brisk pace. 

“Slow it down, kid. Not all of us win the genetic lottery in the leg department.”

Eren stops, very suddenly- Levi nearly crashes right into his broad back.  
Said back was shaking- and then a sputtering noise came from it’s owner.  
Eren was laughing. 

“Oh my god- That was...I didn’t know you were funny, too!”

“Too? What does that mean?”

“Nothing nothing, let’s get along with your appointment.”

Eren giggles all the way to his office.

“So-” 

Eren begins, plopping heavily onto his shrink chair and pulling his notebook onto his lap.

“How was your day?”

Levi snorts.

“Is this some shrink secret? Will all my problems be solved because you ask about my day?” 

Eren’s face doesn’t change. 

“If you prefer to tell me your life’s story instead, we could do that to.”

Was that.. Was that a vague threat in his voice? A brief moment of shock passes through his smaller body- demeanor returning to its usual stoic a moment later. He sighs and looks away.

“It was fine. Like it always is.”

“Good, what is it you do?”

“I manage a team of coders for a branch of Microsoft.”

“Wow! Cool, you must be a bit of a big shot then, huh?”

Eren’s face shone with genuine interest. 

“...yeah. I guess.”

“That’s quite an accomplishment, I would think. Did you go to school for a long time?” 

“I thought we weren’t going to talk about my life's story.” 

“Got me there.”

Eren laughs, a rich and golden laugh bubbling straight from his chest. 

“Well, how have things been since we last met?”

…

“The same I suppose.”

Eren nods in acknowledgement. 

“You suppose?”

“The same. Period.”

“I see. Do you like your job?”

“It’s ok. Brings in the money.” 

“That is important. Any pets? Hobbies?”

“What is this, twenty questions?” 

Again, the bubbling, golden laughter. Levi would be offended had it been anyone else. 

“No, but these are things I would like to know. Think of them as warm up questions.”

Levi huffs and crosses his arms.

“Not pets, too messy. No hobbies either.” 

“None?”

“Not anymore.” 

Then Eren is silent, scribbling something down onto his yellow legal pad. 

“What are you writing?”

“Notes.”

Levi rolls his eyes. 

“No shit, sherlock. You know what I mean. “

“Do I?”

“Don’t fuck with me, kid.”

Levi growls. Eren chuckles again. 

“Sorry, sorry. Notes from this session, make sure I don’t forget anything for next time. Anything I find interesting or I deem important in helping you.”

“Really? How do you decide it’s important?”

“By listening.” 

The session goes on in a similar fashion, Levi giving curt responses and Eren drinking it all up, trying to fit the puzzle pieces of Levi together. Once again Eren walks Levi to his car. Another smile, a yawn this time. Levi had kept Eren at work. He mentally kicks himself. For the first time in weeks he gets home, strips without a care and flops on to his bed in a deep sleep.


	3. Grown so Tired of the Same Old Thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaaaaaah Suprise! Heh. I am excited. I want them to kiss NOW but I must be patient. I am the horn-dog here, not them. They are content in their pants.   
> Let me know what you think, I love Kudos and Kudos mean I love YOU and comments are the actual best. <3333333333333 !!!!!!!!!

“So, Levi-”

“I’m starting to not like the sound of that.”  
Eren laughs.

“ _Well_ Levi-”

“Nope, not that either.”  
Eren throws his hands up in mock frustration.  
The corner of Levi’s lips tugs upward.

“We can’t sit here in silence!” 

“Sorry, kid- Just messing with you. What were you going to say?”  
Eren narrows his eyes in suspicion whilst continuing, Levi chuckling into his black tea. 

“How have you been since last time?”   
Eren forgoed the use of ‘session’ as they were in public- a small cafe by Levi’s choosing.   
He sips his Chai Tea Latte. Levi had been surprised- thinking Eren being as young as he was would be a black coffee drinker. Most Seattleites were. 

“It’s been fine. Started yoga in the mornings again.”

“Good, good. You know what is said about depression and exercise I take it?”

“Yes, It’s far easier said than done.”

“I know, but you’re doing good.”  
Eren takes note of the way Levi holds his teacup- holding it by the brim which often ended in bumping his nose. He didn’t seem to mind and continues anyway. 

“Isn’t it hot?”

“Hm?”   
Thin eyebrow ascends at the boy across him. 

“Holding your cup that way. It’s hot.”

“It’s not bad.” 

Eren sips his own drink.

“Why?”

“Why what, brat? Y’know, you’re terrible at keeping a complete thought- and I thought you were supposed to be a _professional_ therapist.”   
Levi scoffs and rolls his dull blue eyes.

Eren shakes his head, looking up from his drink and straight into the offender's eyes with a look of challenge plastered on his features. 

“ _Why_ \- Do you hold your cup that way?”

“Why is it so interesting?” 

“I’m your therapist, Levi. For fucks sake, It’s my _job_.”

“Alright, alright stop looking so constipated.”   
Levi says it with little bite, actually shifting uncomfortably in his seat. 

“It’s stupid.” 

“..Levi.”  
Eren goes through this with Levi almost every meeting it seems. 

“You know it isn’t. I’ve told you brains work in weird ways, it isn’t stupid.”   
Levi rolls his eyes and sighs, regaining some of his sass.

“It….handles.. Handles would have more germs.”  
He almost whispers, shame dousing his face while he looks everywhere but the therapist. And almost as if on cue he sits his cup down and pushes it away from himself. He was thinking too much, the idea of germs and infestation crossing his mind over and over so that he couldn’t finish it. 

“Do you think your phobia is part of your depression?”  
Eren intrigues cautiously.   
Levi had never thought of it that way. It’s obvious Levi doesn’t know.

“Let me ask this instead- what does it look like when you’re in a depressive episode?” 

“Ah well-”  
Levi expels a puff of air.

“Normally uh… I don’t leave the apartment. Sometimes I can get out of work, and just..do it at home. If I run out of food ..well I mean, it doesn’t last long so I’ve never _actually_ starved- but uh, I barely eat, I normally can’t sleep but when I have these..um, bouts I get less than two hours a night.”

He peeks up at Eren, being met with glittering green orbs urging his continuation. 

“I clean, up to three times a day- “

“A routine?”

“No, I just ..rip through the house and clean whatever is in my way, regardless if I had already gotten to it previously. My hands…”

He shows Eren bandaged, painfully dry hands with fairly old scabs littering his joints from the last said episode. 

“I don’t cover them. I neglect myself almost..subconsciously. No gloves, no mask for the fumes. It usually makes me even sicker.”

Eren’s indifferent expression falters behind his shimmering eyes for just a moment.   
He looks at them with undivided attention.

“May I?” 

Levi nods.   
His breath hitches, Eren’s warm soft hands ghosting over his own painful ones. Turning them over, keeping them nursed in his large palms. He takes them away all too soon. Levi is concerned at how it upsets him when Eren retracts his touch. 

“How is your OCD and phobia when you aren’t in a depressive episode?”

Levi blinks back the moment of clarity- brows furrowing in realization. They always seem to come hand in hand- when it rains, boy does it fucking pour. 

“It’s..manageable. It’s still there, I still count my steps on the stairs up and turn the lights on and off ...but those are all mild inconveniences.”

“Hmm..”  
Eren looks lost in thought, peering out the window- out onto the busy street.

“What are you thinking?”  
The younger tears his eyes away from being lost in thought.

“Sorry, I’m trying to think- about your situation. I’m distracted easily.”

“It’s fine.”

“Well, I think your depression is sort of the blanket that encompasses you other difficulties. I just don’t know yet where it came from.”   
He looks toward Levi with a bushy brow raised and clicks his tongue. 

“Which requires you to tell me more.”

“More of?”

“You know what. Don’t act dumb now, I know you aren’t. Your life, your childhood, growing up etcetera.” 

It wasn’t scarce- Eren’s bursts of boldness. Large hands waving animated in the air, punctuating his ideas and revelations. The kid was smart, highly intelligent and perceptive even to Levi’s standards. He knew what he needed to learn in order to help Levi- it was just a matter of whether or not Levi could tell him. He could already feel the tickle of bile at the back of his throat.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I know it is. But you’ve gotta push. Being comfortable isn’t going to help you.”

“I’m not fucking comfortable. I haven’t been for as long as I can remember.”   
Levi snaps, too eager to return to his defensive ways. His eyes narrow and glint in irritation. 

“Hey, hey. I’m sorry. Wrong wording, please. Forgive me?”   
Levi decompresses considerably. He grunts in response.

Nothing notable is discovered for the rest of the session, they part pleasantly like always- Levi discovers Eren rides a yellow scooter. He thinks it’s very fitting. He asks what he does in the winter and receives a shrug with a nonchalant ‘I wear more layers’. He makes his way back down to his apartment building, four blocks from their meeting place. His pace is brisk and he hides half his face in his houndstooth scarf, staring at his feet while he goes. He doesn’t mind his sessions with Eren. He was good at what he does. Whether or not it would help him was another matter, but he was at least someone to talk to. They were pleasant. Eren, was pleasant. 

The next few weeks go in a similar fashion- not having many more breakthroughs but Levi keeps coming back to the familiar comfort he finds in Eren. They talk about his days, his work. All the same. Stagnant, Eren said. Levi needed a break from the routine, he said. They brainstorm ideas and finally they come circling back to a miniscule piece of Levi’s past. It’s unavoidable this time.

“You sculpt?”

“I _did_ , yes.” 

“And you went to art school?”

“..yes.” 

Eren sighs, leaning back into his plush chair and puffing his cheeks in exhale. 

“Well that’s important.”

“Not really, not anymore.” 

“Yes it _is_ , Levi. You use your hands to sculpt. Clay is dirt and dirt is germs and you where able to _sculpt_. It is important.”

Levi looks thoughtful, though a bit irritated at how long they’ve been at the topic of his art days. 

“I..haven’t thought of it like that.”  
Suddenly the idea of germs feel less repulsive than he so previously thought. How could he be afraid of bacteria and illness if it made something beautiful?

“Tell me more.”

“About?”

“What do you sculpt?”

He was afraid of that question. Heat rises to his face, Eren pretends not to notice, despite how endearing the flush of pink looks on his pale features. Levi shifts uncomfortably, hoping Eren will drop it. He doesn’t. He waits, looking him dead on with those manipulative eyes of his. Goddamnit. 

“Clay-”  
Levi clears his throat. 

“Claymation.”  
Eren’s eyes widen more than Levi could have ever possibly imagined, a look of absolute child-like joy envelops him and LEvi forgets he’s a capable Therapist. 

“Claymation.” 

Fucking-  
“Yes, are you a parrot?”

“Like Box Trolls?”  
A heavy sigh.

“Yes.”

“And Coraline!?”

“Yes- kid can we-”

“That’s amazing! Oh my god- Levi! You have to work on something! You _must_!”

“I don’t have the time.”

“As your therapist I am _urging_ you to make a short. For your health. And don’t lie to me, I know you have plenty of time.”

“Do you even know the huge amount of effort it takes to make just three seconds of film?”  
Levi tries to wiggle out of it. Eren is relentless.

“No! I’ll give you a month, does that work?”   
Levi rolls his eyes.

“Fine.” 

And that’s how Levi found himself back in his office- his _art_ office after years of neglect, going through his tools and chucking the damaged. He would have to go to the store and replace a lot of it. 

He doesn’t have a clue what he would even create- characters, story, theme, all had been long forgotten and he couldn’t remember the process anymore. It was depressing. But it also made him all the more determined. A fire under his ass and relentless need to always prove himself as much, much more than average. The same thing that had ensured him a spot at the top of his art classes. Admitting to himself he was a little bit excited was a hard obstacle to overcome, but he was doing it little by little as the week went on. He had bought the slabs of clay needed, he had a vague outline in his head- an abandoned sketchbook picked up and a storyboard drawn with great care. He found when he finally got around to the clay, his hands would fiddle away as if he hadn’t been absent from it for more than five years. His subconscious had retained the muscle memory. 

He checks the clock long after the sun had set- the only room in the house with huge windows that alerted him of how much time he spent. He takes a look at his accumulated work- a small, speckled brown dog with jade eyes and it’s various expressions of excitement all laid out meticulously. A white-collared office worker in a stuffy suit and much fewer expressions, all but one various degrees of discontent. The one was blank- Levi didn’t know what he would put on it. He didn't know what the last expression would be yet. 

**2:00 a.m** the analog clock read. 

He was exhausted. Protecting his work from the elements and filing it all into the large metal work closet was always a hassle- Levi’s small arms could hardly grip the large piece of plywood and his nerves were wrecked from the anticipation of anything falling or being ruined.   
The studio was cleaned, the light switched off (only three times), and it’s owner fast asleep- half undressed and for once, dreaming a pleasant dream about a persistent pup changing the life of boring office worker.


	4. My Brand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  
> Probably going to start up a tag for this one, also (wink wink nudge nudge) I would love fanart one day ;; <3 <3 
> 
> So stay tuned for said tag! Things are picking up a bit, getting though our first mini-arc! I am trying so hard to go slow oh my god. It's really late so forgive any mistakes, I wanted this out before I went to bed!  
> Enjoy!

_”Levi we’re_ worried _, just tell us what’s going on so we can be at peace!”_  
Levi couldn’t hear Erwin through the receiver, but he could feel the ever-present loom of his ridiculous eyebrows. 

“It’s nothing! I’m fine just fucking leave me be-”

 _“No! The last time you did this..you remember how I found you. You owe me.”_  
He couldn’t argue with that. With a heavy sigh, he places his miniature self onto the wooden work table. He gathers his wits before replying. 

“I’ve been busy.”  
He hears a huff over the line. 

_”With_ what _?!”_

The words block up his throat, he’s thinking too hard- about embarrassment, the guilt of making his friends feel this way. He takes a deep breath- holding it in for five seconds, lets it out- and without thinking blurts- 

“Sculpting. I’ve been sculpting every day after work.” 

There’s a high-pitched wailing from the other end, akin to a whale mating call. Levi has to physically pull the phone away from his ear to keep it from bleeding. 

“Stop that!”

 _“Oh grumpy bear that is_ amazing! _Is it because of Eren?! This is better than I could have hoped! Erwin -Erwin! Did you-”_

He tunes Hanji’s babbling out- wetting his finger-tips and picking the piece back into his hands. The final face was proving so much more difficult than he had anticipated- he had never come to such a roadblock in his art before. It was maddening. 

“Am I _free_ yet? Can I be rid of the torture that is your ear-splitting squealing ?”

 

_” Yeah yeah, of course! Wouldn’t want to disrupt your work! Oh I am just _so_ excited! Be good! Keep it up my lit-”  
_ He hangs up. God _damn_ they had too many words. It was unbearable. 

His stomach rumbles, but he’s unwilling to leave his work. He goes at the barely two-inch wide face again with tiny tools, getting pissed and smooshing it all with his thumb. For what _seemed_ to be the fiftieth time.  
Nothing sounded good to consume- Usually when he was hungry and had no appetite then he stuck with the next best thing. Tea. He could at least pretend it sustained him. With a growl, he finally is too frustrated to work and heads to the kitchen. 

He pours the piping hot water from the kettle into his minimalist teapot- through the strainer and tea leaves. He replaces the lid on the pot and goes to busy himself cleaning up the mess he made.  
Or at least, a mess to his standards. He flops on a barstool by the kitchen island- having to hop on the balls of his feet and shimmy on to the tall stool. He scowls, was this fucking kitchen made for giants?! 

Checking his watch, he waits for the Green Tea to steep. He sits, quietly. The only noise comes from the _tick tick tick_ of the wall clock. It was quiet. And it was the first time he could remember where he actually found it rather unpleasant. 

He wishes he was in his office. Wishes he was back with the sweet smell of musky incense and the bubbling of the little goldfish he kept on the corner of his desk. Levi found that if he were to open the door without knocking he would catch Eren staring fondly at the ugly little thing- with it’s bloated eyes and swollen, shiny belly. It’s asymmetrical fins and tail with a small hole in it. Levi never looked much at the fish, though. His eyes were always pulled away by his, reflecting in the shimmering water of the fish bowl. They looked like they belonged there, in the water. They were the right color, flecks of ocean and marigold blooming around his pupils. One more golden than the other- Levi had noticed. Like Eren seemed to have mild heterochromia. Of course Levi would never mention that, never give away he payed that much attention. He had to keep up the farce that he was holding Eren an armslength away. Never more than that. 

_Shit.  
_ He looks at his watch. The tea had steeped for two minutes too long. Another scowl. He spends what's left of his evening with an aggressive frown on his face and drinking the shit tea. 

“Levi.” 

Hmm?” 

“I asked you how your progress was going.” 

“With what?” 

"Your sculpting project.” 

“Tch.”  
He hates how Eren refers to it as if it’s some sort of kindergarten arts-and-crap bullshit. But one wary look to his eyes dissolves any malice he feels. 

“I’m almost done.” 

“I can’t wait to see it-”  
A shuffle of papers. 

“Eren.” 

“Hm?” 

“When?...”  
He clams up, a flush of heat runs through his body. His muscles go rigid. Suddenly Eren was staring at him with concern. 

“When what?” 

No, of course he wasn’t going to make this easy. Of course not. 

“..I..When...w-when..”  
He counts backwards from 10. His muscles barely unwind- just barely. His eyes are closed. 

"When will I get better?” 

He feels the shift in the atmosphere- he feels what Eren is feeling. His hairs stand on end like the pressure before an electrical storm. 

And Eren want’s to tell him soon- to tell him that he’ll be just fine and that all of his problems will go away in time but he can’t, and he knows it’s not true. 

“It depends.”  
Eren starts, but he continues to save Levi the trouble of opening up further. 

“I have high hopes. I think you’re..very strong.”  
There it is again, Eren isn’t his councillor anymore. Isn’t the perfectly put together young man, but a bright eyed kid looking at him as if he was something remarkable. He doesn’t feel remarkable. He can’t look at Eren anymore, and he turns his face so his too-long fringe can cover the wavering stormy orbs. For once he’s happy he’s overdue a haircut. Eren looks at him with obvious adoration, like he’s something better than he actually is. He wishes he was, just so Eren could keep looking at him like that, so he doesn’t feel like a liar. 

“But this...sort of stuff doesn’t have a when, really...I’m sorry.” 

And if that didn’t break Levi’s icey little heart, then hesitating a glance at the twinkling oceans is what did him in. It looked like Eren blamed himself, almost. The younger man really wore his heart on his sleeve. 

“Tch. It’s not your fault.” 

Eren blinks away any primitive feelings he might have had a minute ago. 

“Sorry. I just..feel bad, you know?”  
Levi narrows his eyes, stiffening yet again. 

“What, for me? I’m not helpless.”  
Eren looks horrified, Levi notices the venom in his tone. He immediately regrets it. But he isn’t going to take it back. 

“No of course not-” 

“Then what?”  
His words are punctuated with irritation borderlining on anger. 

“I didn’t mean..I didn’t mean anything like that I just want to help-” 

“Well this certainly isn’t.”  
Levi had crossed his arms in the midst of their argueing (mostly his berading, actually), closing himself off to Eren. Eren looks frantic, his brows furrow in concern and hurt. Levi feels awful. But the nagging in the back of his head is too loud. 

_Just tell him what he wants to hear._  
_He think’s you’re pathetic._  
_He thinks you’re hopeless._  
_You’re hopeless._  
_A burden.  
_ _**Unclean**_

“-Levi-”  
At some point Eren had gotten on his knees, closer than he had ever been to the Raven before. Levi almost jumps- hissing like a startled cat. The bright green was now so close, less than an arm's length away, he could touch if he wanted - he could touch Eren.. 

“Levi-” 

“What?”  
He snaps, looking almost feral. 

“I’m sorry.”  
Sorry? For what? For helping, being kind and devoted and- 

“I have to go.”  
Levi stands abruptly, making Eren fall back on his ass. 

“S-sorry, I need to go.”  
He can’t look at him. He can’t let Eren look at him- He’s weak and - 

“That’s okay, It’s okay.”  
Eren soothes, clumsily getting his footing back. 

“Just, um...Call me if you need anything?”  
Levi gives him a curt nod and all but dashes from the room- leaving his scarf and overcoat.  
Eren’s left there, twenty minutes early and totally confused as to what had happened. 

He get’s home a half hour early- the ride back wasted on his worry. Eren had bought his scooter years ago almost as a joke, and he had gotten ridiculously attached to the faux- vintage, mustard yellow thing. He loved the wind ruffling through his messy mahogany locks in the warm summer air (when it didn’t rain). Even when it did rain it was never that bad. He cuts the engine off at the driveway, walking it up to type in the garage code. The messy interior greets him before he leaves the vehicle in the only spot clear of clutter. Eren was a bit of a hoarder- having and avid love of comics and nerd culture since he was but a wee lad. His collection had been accumulated since he was twelve. He goes through the garage entry to the house, slapping the garage button on the way out. 

His house was a small, three bedroom modest home. The living room he enters is mostly couch- a large, round tan and lumpy thing he used as a second bed, many a night he had spent falling asleep during a netflix marathon. A huge, nearly five foot monitor on the opposite wall was surrounded by shelves of figures, books, and posters littering the beige walls. Armin had all but forced Eren to paint the walls _anything_ but white. His interior design degree wouldn’t allow it.  
The kitchen on the left of the hallway was mostly untouched. He hardly ever had time to cook anymore. Most of his time he spent gaming or investing way too many hours into his clients. Further down the hall to the right and past the bathroom was the gaming room. _The gaming dungeon_ more like it. Eren didn’t make a _ton_ of money, but he had extremely doting family and friends. He also wasn’t bad at saving his money when he _really_ wanted something, so the result was a desktop housing a state of the art processor and video card, accessorized with a gaming and typing keyboard- an Xbox One and 360 with live connections and (of course) a kinect. Mikasa had gotten it for him as a joke- told him he needed to be more active and bought the Japanese exclusive Just Dance for him. He would never, ever admit how much he loved the game. And how much he loved singing along to the songs in his god-awful accent. Along with his love for that particular dance game, was a much, _much_ more serious love. No, obsession with DDR. He had scored an arcade set off Ebay for a ridiculously cheap price, and it now stood proudly as the centerpiece of the room. Next to his Xbox’s were the latest Playstation, two, three, and his other pride and joy, the SNES. His games on bookshelves lined the closets and there were (thankfully) no windows.The last, but definitely the nerdiest, fixture in the room was his DxD table. It at one time had been an ugly dining room table from GoodWill, but when the need had arisen, the three best friends had modded it to the moon and back. A tiny mountain terrain and DM partition was currently occupying the surface. The table had a compartment for other tiny land masses, meticulously painted figures, and dice. Eren refused to use the same set for all his characters. 

The next room was his bedroom, and the one over was Armin and Mikasa’s when they visited. It was even decorated to how they liked it, finding and interesting middle ground. It had two twin beds, and closet with spare clothes for the both of them, and a mint theme. Again- Armin’s doing. 

Eren’s bedroom, on the other hand, was a complete disaster at the moment. He hadn’t had time in months to do anything but sleep and occasionally play games in his house. So naturally clothes littered the floor, some parts almost getting a foot deep, and his closet looked like it had exploded. Normally, his shelving and organizational cupboards Armin had installed (keeping in mind Eren was hopelessly messy) worked quite well, keeping Eren’s things in a semi-neat manner. Where you could see past the various movie, anime, and game posters you could make out a beautiful cobalt the walls were painted with, and on better occasions his bed matched with a captain America bed set.  
_What?! It was like, nearly impossible to find any of his actual favorite characters and he liked Cap enough._

He tosses his messenger bag onto the bed, and then his body follows suit into the mess of sheets, tugging and wiggling out of his clothes until his boxer briefs are all that is left. And then suddenly there’s this waft of smell- one that’s familiar but doesn’t know where it came from.  
The musky smell before rain, or burning wood in the winter around christmas. It’s cold but warm and comforting anyway and he isn’t sure why he likes it so much. He sniffs harder, and realizes it’s coming from his bag. 

__Levi’s clothes_.  
Oh no._

And he knew what it typically meant when you liked another person's smell.  
He tries to convince himself otherwise as he shimmies under the covers, and falls asleep to the smell and worry of Levi. 


	5. Words I thought I'd Choke on Figure Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so tired rn kill me im sorry for errors, here have some thing!  
> I love this ch. and am super proud. Next will be fluffy AF so prepare your emotional anus's  
> Got back into polyvore to figure out outfits cause those are important(?) to plot. Here's Eren's-  
> what a gross hipster nerd for reals. http://www.polyvore.com/eren_outfit_chap/set?id=207661737  
> but i think it adds an important layer to his character. (gross hipster being that layer)  
> I love critique and comments so PLS. Love me. I am always very open to ideas as I come up with stories as I go and would love to hear all and any ideas/requests for plot/characters/ idgaf. Started up a tag for this fic and it is here along with my tumblr- feel free to hit me up i love talk and i ESPECIALLY love talking about me otp. Will post headcanons whenever i feel like it and would love some discussions too. https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/eternal-sunshine-of-levis-not-so-spotless-mind

As insignificant and tiring as his progress was, it was just that- progress. A feeling he had never felt before becoming Eren’s client.  
And now it seemed like it was all a waste of time.

Another wave of nausea stirred Levi’s already empty stomach, so he wretches again- a small dribble of drool and stomach acid he spits out into the toilet. The large hand on his back rubs circles, mumbling comforting and soothing things lost to him. He was far past the point of hearing- _feeling_ anything else other than the unadulterated disgust for himself. He gags again. His body sags against the frame of the bathtub. Someone was saying he couldn’t go to sleep there, that he had to get up and go to bed. But it wasn’t his bed, or his house. He felt at ease here to a certain point but sleeping here wasn’t something he could do. 

He’s been here for hours, at least it’s been that long since he had originally thought he emptied his stomach. But no, there seemed to be something left to vomit every time. He hated it- his eyes stung and his throat burned. His nose filled with the smell of bile as it seemed to come through there too, he could practically feel the charcoal black _filth_ eating away at his insides. He want’s to tear it all out, dig his nails into his own flesh so he can rip the bacteria from his body so he could be free. But he had already tried, and had little red tracks up and down his torso to prove it. The voice was speaking again.

“Come on, you need to try and sleep okay? Please Levi. I know you feel gross now but I promise it will go away. You can shower again, even.”

Gross barely touched the severity of what he felt. But the voice was right- he couldn’t stay here. He needed rest to ride out the rest of this episode. The lanky ashe-blonde man is careful not to touch him as Levi sways to his feet. The intense dis-association only seemed to work against good things. Never against the unclean feeling, never removed him from his dysphoria of living in his own skin. It only blurred the identity of his adopted brother. His best friend, platonic soul-mate, whatever. He couldn’t even remember his name at the moment. But he stumbles along, the younger man in tow as he tries to fumble on his shoes.

“Levi, where are you going? You need to rest.”

Levi tugs on his dirtied coat. Another one gone to waste.

“I will.”  
He croaks.

“Take me home.”

 

______________________________________________________________________________

Eren glances down at his watch for what seemed to be the hundredth time in the last hour. He had texted and called, several times, and it was almost two hours past their meeting time. He was jittery, nervous and his anxiety was through the roof. Little did he know the state said client was in.  
But of course Eren was worried. He knew something wasn’t right, and for the third time that evening he left his cushy office to pace a hole down to the parking garage Levi usually parked in. Was it how they parted last session? Did Eren drive him away with his ignorant words? He curses himself all the while, wracking his brain as to what caused Levi's absence.  
If only he knew someone who could get a hold of Levi…

He curses his unreliable memory span, remembering of someone who could do just that and quickly thumbed through the contacts in his phone, ringing up one of his favorite colleagues. 

“Heyyy cutie what’s up?”

Eren cuts the pleasantries, as much as he loved chatting with Hanji, right now his worries were eating him alive.

“Hanji, have you heard from Levi in the past three hours?”  
There’s silence on the line. He checks that their call hasn’t dropped. 

“Uh, no actually I haven’t heard from him all day. Did he not make it to his appointment?”  
Hanji attempted and failed smoothing over the panicked note in their tone. 

“He didn’t show. I called about five times and texted and he hasn’t replied. I’ve been here for hours waiting. I think something's wrong.”  
He had a _very_ bad feeling. And he had learned his bad feelings always seemed to be correct.

“Eren, calm down. I’m sure he’s just being grumpy as usual. I will...I’ll go look for him.”  
Eren knew as well as Hanji neither of them believed that.

“Take me with you.” 

“What? Eren you don’t need to-”

“No, Hanji he is my responsibility, and if he _is_ in some sort of distress I need to be able to help him.”  
Hanji sounds as if they’re going to protest again, but they sigh instead.

“Alright. Be out front the outpatient. I’ll be there in ten.”

Eren hangs up with a wave of relief, dashing back inside the mostly closed-down building to grab his things and heads to the rendezvous point. He’s barely tugged on his coat before he hears a screech of tires and see’s Hanji’s poor, abused Volkswagen Bug pulling up. 

He hops in stealthily and Hanji guns it again. 

“Well this is fun! It’s like a mission!”  
They grin at him and run a red light. Eren can feel the color drain from his face as he clings to the _oh shit_ handle on the car's ceiling. 

 

By the time they made it to Levi’s place, Eren was sure he had suffered at least three heart attacks and Hanji had ran more red lights then Eren had his entire life. They took the elevator up, both bouncing anxiously on the balls of their feet. The doors slide open with a _ding_ and Hanji hurries the two over to his door. Eren would have been exciting and nervous had this been under normal circumstances, but right now he was panicked and terrified. They’re blocked by a figure just opening the door- tall and blonde. Hanji lights up in recognition before going pale as they spot Levi barely conscious on his arm. Eren’s heart drops and his hands go cold. Levi is almost translucent, obviously fevered and half-lidded eyes dull and glassy, he was clinging to the taller like a life-line.

“Farlan what happened?! What’s wrong with Levi?”  
This was the most serious and scared Eren had ever witnessed Hanji.  
The taller male- Farlan, Eren now noted- finally pushes open the door to Levi’s apartment as he begins to explain. 

“Levi collapsed this morning, he wasn’t answering me so I came over and found him on the kitchen floor-took him to mine and Iz’s place.”  
He stopped there. Both Hanji and Eren knew he wouldn’t say anymore. Levi was very private, and very prideful. No one wanted to distress him anymore at the moment. Farlan began panting with effort so Eren scampered over to help on Levi’s other side. The short man was heavy- far heavier than Eren had expected. They dragged Levi to his couch, Farlan almost tossing him down onto it before Eren stopped him.

“Take off his coat.”  
Farlan nods, Hanji flits around and the two work the distressed overcoat off his trembling form. Eren felt like he could be sick, with how … _weak_ and lifeless Levi looked. How he trembled like a leaf and how obvious it was that he had been puking his guts out all day. And Eren knows it wasn’t from a cold or disease. His worry only heightens as the two young men place him gently onto the sofa. Sweat glistens on his features, but Hanji’ already there with a cold cloth, dabbing at his forehead and face, washing away the signs of vomit. Levi looked lifeless even though his eyes were open, and he didn’t respond to anything said or any actions they took. 

With a fleeting moment of rest, Eren looks over to both Farlan and Hanji regarding _him_ with concern.

“Eren..are you alright?”  
He’s confused, until he feels the moisture streaking his face. He hadn’t realized he was crying, but now there was a death-grip on his bicep. All three parties looked to Levi, whose expression had changed to desperation whilst grasping the olive-skinned boy. 

“..Eren?”  
They all turn toward the rasping older man.  
Despite all his training, his years of both volunteer and professional therapy work, despite all that he was still not prepared for the look Levi was now giving him. You could all but hear Eren’s heart break apart and crumble at the sight of such a strong man so completely weakened. Any ounce of professionalism he had intended flew out the window. 

He grasps the clammy hand in both of his, squeezing and kneeling down at edge of the furniture.

“Levi? Levi, it’s me, It’s Eren, What’s wrong? What’s happened to you? How can I help?”  
His own hands had started to shake as he grasped Levi’s, nearing the intense grip the older was giving him.

“Eren.”

“Yes, what do you need?”

“..clean.”

“Do you want a bath?”  
Levi’s uncharacteristically dull eyes flick toward Farlan and Hanji, the two hanging on his every word.  
He looks back at Eren, flushing a bit as he nods.  
What an interesting man, being embarrassed at a time like this. But Eren is already on his feet, pulling Levi up by the arms. He tried to maneuver them with the taller supporting the brunt of Levi’s dense weight but it was proving impossible and Eren was impatient to get Levi what he wanted. With a huff of irritation he simply scoops the older up, his only saving grace is the smaller form of the other but he still finds it quite a challenge taking him into (what he guessed) was the bathroom. He had guessed right, and sits Levi on the toilet.

“How hot?”

“...”  
Eren turns to face Levi, thinking he just hadn’t heard him.

“..satan’s asshole.”  
Eren gapes at the delirious man, guffawing loud despite the situation.  
What a strange man indeed. Maybe it was why Eren liked him so much-  
He shakes his head sharply to dispel the thoughts. Now was not the fucking time.  
He turns away and busies himself with twisting the hot knob all the way. He adds some cold without Levi looking so the older wouldn’t burn himself. When the tub is halfway full he shuts off the running water.

“Alright, I think it’s hot enough without burning your-”

He was met with an almost naked Levi, shucking his clothes awkwardly as if there was no problem that he had an audience. Eren can feel the burning heat rise on his face as he tried desperately not to stare.

“So um! I’m gonna.. I’m just gonna..”  
Levi wiggles his jeans off his feet childishly. Eren tries to run. Levi makes a small whining noise that stops Eren in his tracks. 

“What If I drown?”  
Eren doesn’t dare look back in fear he wouldn’t be able to say no. 

“I’ll send Farlan or Hanji in then.” 

“...”

“No.”

Eren’s eyes widen in shock and now he was really hurting himself to avoid looking Levi in the face.

“No..?”

“Yes.”

“So I’ll get them then.”

“NO!”  
Eren takes a deep breath.

“Levi-..”

“Eren. You’re my therapist. This is your job. I don’t...I don’t want them in here.”  
Levi sounds strained, embarrassed and ashamed. He was right, Levi didn’t want his friends to see him like he was anymore than he had already. Eren nods.

“I’ll let them know. Do _not_ get in without me.”  
That came out wrong. His ears are bright red and he knows it so he books it out of the bathroom to explain the situation to the other two. 

“I’m going to uh..stay in there while he gets clean. He seems alright, he at least knows what’s going on and he isn’t panicking.”

Farlan nods solemnly and Hanji has this look on their face. A look he doesn’t know or like.

“Oh?”  
There's a dangerous glint in their glasses. For the second time in five minutes he flees, knowing all too well the implications they where having. He left Farlan looking rather distressed.

Out of the frying pan and into the fire, they say. And the fire was a particularly gorgeous individual completely naked, waiting obediently on the toilet seat. Despite the waxy mark of sickness and the incredible bruises under Levi’s eyes the man radiated masculinity. With a sharp bone structure and beautiful contouring of muscles one could tell that when Levi was in shape, he was of perfect bulk. 

Right, that was why Eren was doing this, so that Levi could get his life back. Get his routine back. Hanji on more than one occasion had confided in Eren about Levi’s passed physical endeavours, and how they wished and hoped they would be able to see Levi like that again. 

Eren is brought back to reality when he notices the latter start to fade and waver- Eren rushes to his side and steadies him with his hands on naked shoulders. 

“Okay okay.. Can you make it to the tub? Do you want me to ..um, carry you again?”  
The poor boy only grew more bashful by the second. 

After regaining himself, Levi just waves him off and Eren takes that as him wanting an assist. So he lugs Levi under one arm and they make it slowly across the rather large bathroom.  
They manage to get Levi into the hot water without incident and after what seemed like eternities of silence, Levi mumbles something about wanting to talk. Eren had made a spot for himself cross-legged on the floor on the opposite side of Levi. Eren had shed his coat, cardigan and over-sweater and was now removing the awful hipster bowtie from around his neck. Levi through his haziness could at least appreciate that.

He leans a forearm on the white ceramic of the tub and nods. 

“I’m listening.”  
And god, was he. He clings to every word Levi said, eyes wide and brows furrowed with dedication. It was much, _much_ more than a therapist client relationship, right then. It was much more. More than Levi had ever told Eren before and Eren felt damn near blessed.

“I feel so… disgusting.”  
Levi’s usually sharp eyes are soft with despair, glistening with threatening tears. 

“I want to claw my insides out just so it will stop. I can’t get clean no matter how hard I try and It’s _killing_ me Eren. It takes over my life, it takes control over everything. This isn’t-”

The water echoes deafeningly in the large bathroom as Levi brings his naked knees to his chest. Suddenly he is very determined to gaze at the edges of his too-long hair. 

“This isn’t me.”

Oh, what Eren would do to wrap himself around the saddened shell of a man, murder all the puppies in the world if he had to just to make him well again. A new fire burns in his belly when he speaks up.

“It isn’t, you’re exactly right. You need your life back. And I _will_ get it back for- no, with you. I _will_ , no matter what. I promise Levi.” With the passion and expression he was making- reddened cheeks and sparkling eyes- it might as well have been a love confession.

“Levi-”  
His impulse control fails him as he reaches out to push the sopping wet bangs from Levi’s eyes. Trembling, tender fingers lingering a touch too long during the already taboo act. 

“I promise.”


	6. Chemicals Keeping Us Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayyyyeee!! I've been sitting on this chapter for a while, I didn't know exactly what I wanted to go with it story wise, but now it is here! Something to look forward to!  
> I'm hoping to make a playlist for the fic sometime soon, so when you read it would be fun to be immersed. (feel free to request a songggggggg!!!!)
> 
> I also started beta-ing for a really awesome writer! Their fic is- [http://archiveofourown.org/works/3565850/chapters/7855601](Here)  
> and it is one of my faves!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> Chap.Title is from The Mighty Fall

Eren accompanied Levi in the bathroom until the water went cold- a new air of trust and something deeper enveloping them both like a blanket.

Neither knew the full extent of what this event stirred in either of them, and their suspended bubble only broke with Levi standing abruptly from the tub, hours after the initial submersion.

Levi was worlds better, fully calmed with only small signs of lingering sickness. Eren hovered over him like a mother hen and Levi had no issue with his overly-doting actions (contrary to his character).

 

The taller wrapped the nearest towel around the smaller, once again surprised by the broadness of his shoulders. It was obvious Levi’s bones where both dense and wide, giving his shorter legs an exaggerated slimness. Eren was also careful to look pointedly away from the elder man’s _manhood_ , much like a prepubescent squirms in their first sex ed class. This did not escape Levi’s notice, but he elected to ignore it. Drawing any attention toward Eren’s reactions would only throw an awkward stressor into their new relationship like a monkeywrench.

 

Eren ruffles Levi’s incredibly fine hair with a smaller towel, admiring the shine in the white light of the bathroom. It was one of the many things that made the man beautiful. Eren had never seen such fine, silky locks so inky before. His sister had dark hair, but it was impossibly thick and nearing more a brunette undertone. Levi’s was the truest of blacks. Said man draws the towel around him closer, hiding any skin that was exposed.

 

“..Clothes?”

“Oh, right. Yeah, where’s your bedroom?”

“..-shit, N-No..You can’t-”

Levi sighs, frustrated with his inability.

“No, nevermind. It’s down the hallway to the right.”

 

Eren nods without question, ignoring the earlier hesitance and respecting Levi’s decision to push himself. That, and it wasn’t like Eren could convince him otherwise once he had made up his mind.

He makes it to the bedroom without incident, passing Farlan and Hanji sitting in front of the TV- he could hear Parks and Rec playing. Their eyes follow him, but neither ask anything as he passes by. To be honest, Eren is a little bit afraid of venturing into Levi’s room for more than one reason. First being, he was unwilling to face any growing _feelings_ he had for the older man. He was a professional, and he was helping Levi help himself. He wasn’t going to take advantage because he was his _therapist_ and nothing more. He would _not_ think of his broad shoulders or beautiful, emotional eyes-

Eren sighs to himself, still stopped in front of the bedroom door.

Second, he was afraid of contaminating the room. He knew no rationalization could put Levi to rest should he be uncomfortable with Eren being in there. Like most with mysophobia, their rooms where their safe haven- a place where no outside filth could penetrate their sanctuary. It was one of the few, if only, places they felt comfortable. Eren would be devastated if he ruins that for Levi.

Trying to push the thoughts away in favor of the task at hand, he covers his hand with the sleeve of his shirt and twists the knob before his mind could panic.

 

He was met with a fairly ordinary room, everything beautifully coordinated with pale greys and blues matched what Eren knew of Levi’s personality perfectly. The bed took most of the rooms area, a large California King the centerpiece. Everything was picturesque and sterile, the furniture minimalist. It doesn’t take long to locate the closet to the right of the bed, Eren darting over as if he was a burglar and rummaging as little as possible to pull out a pair of sweats and an old t-shirt. As he better Inspects it he finds it’s a Nightmare Before Christmas faded graphic with the hero’s face. Simple. Eren chuckles softly to himself. How cute.

 

Now was the true obstacle. Eren searches around for a pair of underwear, trying to decide how to go about handling them. He locates them at the top shelf of a rather tall lingerie cabinet, but only after opening the bottom most drawer. Which is filled with….rather _phallic_ objects.

Eren sniffs and turns beet red.

Well, at least he knew he didn’t have a _(not)_ thing for a straight man.

 

Armed with t-shirt, lounge pants, and underwear carefully wrapped in said pants, Eren makes his way back down the hall, hoping to be suddenly struck over the head and suffer from amnesia after chancing upon the incriminating collection. He can feel Hanji giving him _a look_ but he ducks his head and scampers back into thebathroom. Levi sits at the edge of the tub, water already drained away and shivering just slightly.

 

“That was a long shit.”

“Huh?”

Eren speaks before he thinks, as usual, before understanding. He giggles while he answers.

“Oh! No, actually my shits are pretty speedy.”

 

Levi points a soft glare before snatching his things from the younger’s grasp. The towel drops from his shoulders and once again Eren has to take his self control to the limit to not stare.The older works on his clothes quickly and exits, leaving Eren to question all the life choices he had made that brought him here.

Before he joins the rest, he hears a collective gasp from the other two when Levi steps out. Hanji chatters away, vocalizing her worry whereas Farlan is quiet. He gathers his things from the bathroom floor and steps into a most amusing scene. Levi resembles an irritated kitten, expression that of mild horror and pain.

Farlan is flitting about Levi just as much as Hanji, but doing so fairly silent.

 

“Oh- _kay_ , you idiots can leave now. I’m fine.”

“Only you would say that after spending the day vomiting-”

“ _Farlan_.”

Levi threatens through gritted teeth.

Farlan fears for his life before nodding curtly.

“R-right, I’m going to leave then, just- _call_ me next time you pass out on the floor, yah big idiot?”

Levi huffs and flicks his wrist in acknowledgement. Farlan takes that as good enough and leaves promptly.

“Well! I better be off as well, kisses!”

 

Hanji darts out the door not far behind Farlan, cackling in a _very_ suspicious manner.

Levi shakes his head in defeat, eyes drooping and straining to stay open in the aftermath of his episode.

 

“I should probably get out of your hair too huh?”

Levi shrugs, turning to busy himself in the kitchen, Eren stay where he is awkwardly.

“I’ll be going then-”

But he stops, eyes widen and he looks at Levi who looks back like he’s grown a second head.

 “Hanji gave me a ride.”

Levi still looks confused.

“Here! I mean, she brought me here and...well, now her behavior makes sense…”

Levi rolls his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose.

“That _fucking_ four-eyes. Oh my god, I am going to fucking murder -”

But the rest of his rant is lost as he turns away, grumbling to himself and pulling out two teacups.

“Uh, are you sure that’s okay?”

Eren gestures to the mugs. Levi rolls his eyes again and huffs as if it’s the stupidest question in the world.

“Yes, the worst has passed, It usually get’s way better after.”

He shrugs, filling the kettle and continuing not to look at Eren.

“Well are you going to fuckin’ stand there all night?”

 

Eren turns a bit pink, dropping his stuff and arranging it neatly by the door. When he’s satisfied he seats himself on one of the polished black bar stools opposite of Levi.

After a long- _long_ insufferable silence that Levi elected to ignore, and Eren was far too awkward and shy to break, the latter speaks up again.

 

“I hope you like green, cause that’s what you’re getting.”

Eren scoffs in a sarcastic manner.

“Of _course_ I like macha, it just better not be shitty.”

Levi looks as if Eren had spat on his mother's grave.

“Of fucking course it isn’t fucking shitty, who the fuck do you think I am? I only get top of the line shit, I’ll have you know-”

 

Eren interrupts by laughing at Levi’s fairly violent outburst and excessive use of cursing. Levi usually tries to tone it down during their sessions.

And Levi, like every other time before, is totally enraptured by the youngers twinkling laughter and shuts up entirely to listen. The _tiniest_ of smiles makes itself known on Levi’s sickly features.

But it is soon gone again when he thrusts the cup of perfectly steeped tea at Eren, sloshing it just a bit and burning himself.

 

“Shit!”

 

“Levi!”

 

“Fuck it’s fine, it’s not bad.”

 

The embarrassment just wouldn’t end for him today.

He huffs to himself quietly before blowing at the steam and sipping his drink. Of course his hand bumps into his nose once or twice, but Eren doesn’t want to add insult to injury.

They’re quiet again, before this time the younger speaks up

 

“Are you feeling any better?”

Levi shrugs, finishing his drink and placing it on the granite counter with a soft clink.

“As better as I can be.”

Eren nods, not know what else to say. He isn’t sure he should, but he was never one to keep his thoughts to himself.

“Is it fine? Me being here, I mean, I know we’re supposed to have a professional relationship but I’ve never really believed the whole ‘can’t have a relationship with your clients’ thing- ...oh! But a friendship, I mean, obviously, nothing other than that- I probably made you uncomfortable now..shit…”

“Are you going to shut up soon so I can answer your question?”

Eren did just that, nodding and sinking as far as he could into his barstool. Levi grunts in approval.

“It’s fine. Seriously, stop overthinking shit.”

“Well maybe shit _needs_ to be thought about more.”

 “..You’re an idiot.”

 

With his tea finished, Levi shuffles(how cute, like a penguin?) over to the living room and flops onto the all-consuming couch. He flicks on the TV and the whirring of an Xbox is started up. Soon Levi is scrolling through netflix, very unimpressed with his choices.

 

“Here-”

Levi throws the controller on the cushions nearest where Eren still sat.

“Pick something.”

Eren just stares, not really knowing if that was invitation or?..

“C’mon, I’m bored out of my fucking mind.”

And with the way Levi was staring so.. _intensely_ and his commanding tone prompted Eren to scramble onto his feet and join Levi (rather uncomfortably). He hears a small chuckle before picking ‘Stranger Things’.

“That looks lame.”

“What! You don’t know that. It got good reviews.”

“It’s cheesy as fuck! Look at it!”

“Levi, you’re being unreasonable. Maybe you’ll like it if you actually _try_ .It’s about kids!”

“Kid’s are stupid.”

Eren makes an exasperated noise, pointing a look of disdain at Levi.

“You’re stupid.”

The mask of indifference is lifted when his jaw drops in shock and makes the gayest scoff Eren has ever heard. Yeah, definitely not straight.

“How dare you.”

Eren chuckles, not gracing Levi with another retort.

“We’re watching the stupid kids.”

 

Levi found himself liking the series quite a bit- but by the time the fourth episode rolled around he was fast asleep, wiped out from the strain of being sick all day. Eren didn’t notice until a few episodes later, and felt a bit awkward leaving him there.

“Levi-”

He hisses, but to no avail.

“Levii-!!”

 

The older still doesn’t budge. He pokes one of the clothed parts of Levi, rather aggressively. Only then does Levi blink awake.

 

“The fuck are you here?...”

Eren rolls his eyes.

“Get in bed.”

“..but m’comfy here…”

“No, go to bed.”

“....fine.”

 

Levi doesn’t move, his eyes have slipped back to being closed and his even breathing doesn’t change. The bastard just went right back to sleep.

Eren sighs and rubs his eyes, moving himself to the opposite end of the couch to curl up and finally allow himself to sleep.

 

When the morning rolls around, Eren is woken by a vacuum cleaner _really_ close to his face. He blinks back suprise, trying to figure out who could be at his house?

He lives alone.. He jumps upright, taking a defensive stance.

“WHOTHEFUCKAREYOU!?”

 

He’s met with an icy stare, Levi squinting and turning back to his vacuuming. Oh, right.

 

“Shit. Sorry.”

He gets a whiff of himself and grimaces.

“You can use the guest bathroom, if you’d like.”

Eren shrugs.

“I can shower at home, unless it bothers you.”

Levi makes a face that looks like he’s considering it.

“No, that’s fine. Do you want breakfast?”

Eren is still hesitant in his answer- worried Levi was pushing himself too much to overcompensate for his earlier...episode. But Levi just takes his lack of answer as a green light, and begins rummaging with what seemed like very little worry. Well, maybe he was fine as it was.

 

“What, you constipated?”

Levi’s tone was as always, drier than death valley and you wouldn’t know he was joking if that’s all you went by. Eren was only just now beginning to get used to it.

He sputters a bit on a giggle-

“No, no breakfast sounds good, what are you gonna make?”

Levi had begun laying his ingredients out whilst he replied.

“I was thinking omelettes, with lots of shit n’stuff...”

He caught his mistake too late.

“Now Levi- “

He half chuckles.

“I’m not into that, you know.”

Levi mutters a ‘godamnit’ and ignores the younger pointedly.

“What fucking-ever, _kid_.”

“That is no way to speak to your therapist.”

“Oh so _now_ you play the Therapist card.”

“I always play the therapist card.”

Levi glances up from his cooking.

“Keep that shit up and you’ll find yourself outside, hungry, and on your ass.”

 

Eren shuts up, but rolls his eyes at the former because he never gives up that easily.

Breakfast goes by very smoothly, the more casual time they spend together the more they find how compatible they are as friends. Their interests in art and music are similar, which prompts Eren to ask Levi if he wanted to go to a new exhibit at the SAM on his way out.

 

Levi crosses his arms in thought, brow even more furrowed than usual as he considered.

“We can always leave if you need to.”

Eren adds helpfully.

Levi sighs.

“Fine, since you will be _so lonely_   without me I suppose I can come by.”

Eren bounces on the balls of his feet in glee.

“Great! It's a date!”

Levi looks as indifferent as ever, whilst Eren nearly short circuits.

"I mean uh, I, like-a friend..a friend date-"

"You need a shovel for that whole you're digging?"

Eren looks away sheepishly.

“See you Wednesday, Brat.”


	7. Do You Wanna Feel a Little Beautiful, Baby?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to apologize for this chapter being short....before I realized ALL my chapters are short! LOLOLOLOLOL.  
> I think I'll probably write Eren playing Mystic Messenger some time, since he gay and he is already playing a rythm game. God. Such a nerd. Chapter title is from 'Young Volcanoes'
> 
> *always open for story/character suggestions! I have no plot outline so I am happy to hear anything! and let me know what you think!* 
> 
> Last thing! Formatting got all fucked for some reason so i apologize. 
> 
>  
> 
> I've been itching to write a period piece for this pairing, real bad. I wanted to wait until I could manage it more, but maybe I would write it all in one go and just upload on a schedule .  
> I wanted it start as them being knights of the templar, swarn to their religion and then being outcast because of their compromising feelings. Then next would the edwardian/victorian era. Idk what the story would be about for that one. Then 1920's with drugs and crazy rich people parties. Then maybe the 1940's-1950's and maybe they could be drafted, then be dapper together after the war. Then the 80's with more drugs and awesome music and Breakfast club asthetic.

Levi, as punctual as always, was running extremely late. By the time he stumbled past the glass doors of the museum he was fifteen minutes late, and most definitely _not_ with Starbucks.

The kid was mulling about on his phone, seemingly enraptured in some sort of game as his fingers tapped away at an incredible speed. Kid’s these days, Levi thought-before realizing how damn _old_ he sounds. _Tch._

Levi has to adamantly convince himself that Eren _did not look cute_ in his usual ugly [hipster get- up](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=208632885), and his weird love for corduroy pants. That admittedly displayed his very athletically built legs. None of that! Levi averts his eyes and strolls up to the other.

Eren doesn’t seem to see him at first, bright eyes barely hidden behind his thick-framed glasses that were glued to his screen. Levi stands silently next to him, waiting for him to finish. The song he plays finally comes to an end when he takes a look at Levi and jumps, turning a bright shade of red.

“Glasses?...!”

Levi just rolls his eyes. Eren is not prepared for this, [abort!](http://www.polyvore.com/es_levi_ch.7/set?id=208427104) _Abort_.

“They’re reading glasses. We’re looking at art, so typically one needs to _see_.”

The adorable gremlin (hey, Eren thinks they’re cute- you know, before they become little balls of satan and evil) scoffs, pretending not to be flattered by the blush on the youngers features.

“Oh-oh.. I just, was surprised is all.” .

Levi rolls his eyes.

“Hello to you too, rascal.”

Eren squints at the usage of the term.

“Gonna tell me to get off your lawn?”

“If I had a lawn, damn right I would.”

“Levi, you are so _old_ sometimes.”

“What do you mean sometimes? I’m old all the time. Get fucking’ used to it.”

It’s Eren’s turn to roll his eyes this time, gesturing for Levi to follow him to get their passes. Eren, determined he was making this a date whether or not the older knew, swaggers up to the ticket lady. Levi tries to protest, but Eren just shushes him, easily blocking his small form from giving any money to the lady.

Date:1 Levi:0

Eren fist bumps himself in his head.

The exhibit is an interesting one, the main artist being an impressionist sculptor. Eren had brought Levi to this exhibit for that very reason. The minute they had wandered into the first room, Levi was gone, leaning dangerously close to each piece, squinting his eyes and scrunching up his face. Eren wanted to coo at how cute he looked, but he keeps it to himself as he’s blatantly ignored by the other. But that’s fine with the younger, he just trails after Levi happily.

“Levi- “

Eren whispers, rather loudly.

“Look at this! It’s amazing!”

There is a group of five or so chairs, all mechanized to turn at different angles. Eren is utterly enchanted.

“They’re just chairs, Eren.”

“No! You don’t understand! They look awesome!”

“Keep your voice down you fuckin’ hooligan.”

“Hey! I’m not a small pumpkin.”

“Oh my god-...”

Levi pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Why do I put up with this shit?”

“Because you’re a masochist, apparently.”

Levi glares full force at a grinning Eren.

“ _God_ you are such a little shit.”

“At your service.”

 

The rest of the daylight was quickly eaten up, leaving the two in an almost empty Museum. Levi had insisted they go through the exhibit twice, and Eren, being way too kind, could not say no. They shuffled their way down a few blocks in the biting fall air to a little shop across the street from Benaroya Hall.

“Are you fu…. “

He waited until the child and their parent was out of earshot.

“-cking kidding? Eren it’s cold out!”

“So? It makes it more fun!”

Usually during the summer the lines where insufferable, so he holds open the gelato shops door for Levi, not budging until the shorter was inside.

But Levi, being the stubborn little asshole he was, waits a good five minutes until Eren begins to whine that his arm is tired.

“I can’t wait to be fucking cold on the inside to match the outside.”

Levi mutters, grumpy scowl colors his features.

“Hey, come on it’s warm in here.”

Levi grumbles all the way to through the line, and through ordering his coconut gelato that was (admittedly) really, really, good .To Levi’s pleasant surprise, Eren had asked the employee for a new, clean scoop on Levi’s.

“I told you.”

“ _Technically_ you didn’t say shit about the quality.”

He stops to take a spoonful to his lips. Thank god for disposable spoons in packaging. He notices Eren is giving him puppy eyes, staring at him until he get’s the answer he wants. Levi sighs dramatically.

“Fine. It’s good.”

Eren sits back in his seat, smug smirk playing on plush lips.

Uh- He most definitely did not think that. Levi shakes his head to dispel such inappropriate thoughts.

“Good.”

“Cheeky brat.”

Eren just smiles, a cute little expression that seemed to make everything pale in comparison. Levi doesn’t like that he thinks that. He get’s up rather suddenly, chair squeak resonating in the shop.

“Want to walk?”

Eren nods and follows, the two stroll around the downtown nightlife as they chat about the mundane. Little topics, much like their morning together earlier on.

“Eren.”

They younger perks up at his name.

“What’s up?”

“I-..well, this is a bit .. hard for me. To say. So- so don’t…”

If Levi had been looking anywhere but his shoes he would see Eren’s smile soften, his faint, preliminary laugh lines deepening and eyes shimmering even in the low light.

“Don’t worry.”

His reassurance is smooth, rumbling warmly in his chest like a crackling fire in a hearth.

Levi can’t help but to whole-heartedly fling himself to the flames.

“I.. um, I enjoy .. I like being..”

The nervous man releases a breathy sigh, shallow and panicked before whispering-

“I like being with you.”

His normally pale cheeks redden all the way to his ears.

Eren laughs his perfect laugh.

“I like being with you too, Levi.”

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

There was no sound, only a fainting tinkering of what seemed to be a music box- Eren wonders yet again how Levi had managed that.

The laptop screen went from black to white, showing a rather comical scene of a suited man (who strangely resembled Levi) typing away frantically at his desktop. After many wordless curses and fists being slammed on the table, the workers coffee spills all over the keyboard. The coffee, though, is a lot different than the rest of the set or clay of the character. He had a lot of questions to ask the creator later. The man gets up in a huff and storms out of his office- he flees into an alleyway and tries to wipe the onslaught of angry tears from his eyes. There’s movement in a nearby dumpster in the unfocused background. The man is too distraught to notice. The shuffling happens again, and the upset man seems to hear it this time. He wanders over, tears completely forgotten to be taken aback in surprise as a little, spotted brown head pops up from the garbage. The man shakes his head and walks away, annoyed at the interruption, but the little animal does not let him go easily. The little puppy was made with such a great amount of detail, it seemed that every strand of his fur moved on it’s own-Eren couldn’t even imagine how Levi had done that, and the eyes...strangely resembled his own. But it couldn’t be, right? Eren thought he was just being conceited.

 

After various attempts to shake the dog off, the man finally gives in, small creature yapping at his heels. The man does his best to ignore the creature anyway, that is until a car comes from nowhere while the two crossed the little sets street. The man doesn’t notice yet, but the dog parks urgently and tugs at the man's pant leg. The man only gets more annoyed by the minute, but he’s on the sidewalk now, the dog pushing him from the street. The car doesn’t stop, and hits the animal.

 

Eren’s breath is caught in his throat.

The scene changes, flickering to an image of the animal wrapped in a full body cast. Images flick past of the dog and his new friend, with a new collar and name.

Then the scene flickers again, this time to the man now much older, in a hospital bed with grey hair, and holding an old, worn collar.


	8. We Lit the Fire and It's Burning Bright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, i love this chapter.  
> So today, I have a lot to say.
> 
> First of all, some time soon I'm going to go back through all the chapters and edit stuff. I want to improve on what I have. I also feel like I am steadily increasing the quality of writing with each chapter, so I hope you'll sticka round as I immprove. 
> 
> Second, I wanted to make it clear in this fic that Levi is not weak. Levi is sick. Mental illness or otherwise does not make a person weak, and he is very capable. He just needs to work hard and basically build stamina in handlign his problems. I hope that it is obvious. I am throwing this chapter out before i head to work, so sorry for any mistakes. I hope you enjoy it!

“Well?”  
Levi wouldn’t be that desperate for Eren’s approval to go so far as to ask him what he thought. The laptop was promptly shut, Levi not sparing a glance toward the younger as he tucked it neatly away in his briefcase. What did capture his attention, though, is a little sniffle from the boy that had Levi looking up in alarm. 

The kid hastily wipes a single tear from his eye, laughing dryly at his silly emotions that were so easily stirred. 

“Fuck, kid, it wasn’t that sad- Don’t be a baby.” 

Eren smiles, giving himself a moment to gather his thoughts in the form of well-placed words. 

“First of all, I am a baby. I still cry over the Lion King-”

That earned a scoff from the darker.

“Secondly, it’s not that actual subject matter that has me feeling things, Levi. You wrote it, why would you create something- build it from scratch and put your blood and sweat into something that was just...sad. Melancholic at the end. The end, end of story, yeah it’s sad let’s move on now-” 

He places thoughtful hands into his lap. 

“Like it’s just normal, everyday life for you.”

Now, hell if that got Levi thinking. It was wasn’t it? His everyday life? He couldn’t even create happiness for himself, made-up or otherwise. He didn’t know what it was or how to attain such a far-off anomaly to him. It was like he was in the cave, tortured by shadows he vaguely knew existed but couldn’t get up and seek after them in fear of the unknown. What if it wasn’t any better than this? What if happiness was just as painful, or worse? Sadness was always there, sadness was comfort. It always greeted him without fail. His life derailed after graduating college, after sinking low enough to a managerial position in a boring company doing fuck all. After every time he broke up with someone, or was dumped. After the beginning of his rapid decline into mysophobia. It was consistent, it would never leave him. Never leave like his opportunities or lovers or art or motivation. And he was ever so drawn to it- like an addict, like a fucking manic-pixie dream girl. He could never get enough. He could hurt himself all he wanted and no one could do a thing about it. It was the only control he had left. 

Of course Levi should have been saying all this out loud, having a fairly life-altering epitome.

But Eren knew, as he always did, how to read Levi like a book. Eren didn’t need to hear because Levi’s truth wasn’t information he needed. His job was for Levi to realize. For the older to understand all for himself. That all mental pain was self inflicted to some degree. Of course, that didn’t make anything any easier. But it was an extremely hopeful start. Eren couldn’t be more pleased- he hadn’t except so much so soon.

Levi could feel his calculating gaze on him, knowing he knew what was going on in the confines of his damaged skull. It was time to talk. It was time for him to stop feeling sorry for himself. So he did, he talks and talks until there are no words left. And Eren couldn’t have been more proud. 

 

“My parents were absent my young life. I went all through primary and high school not knowing who they were or where they had went. Why they had left me. I was pushed around from one foster home to the other- ‘home’ being a light term. They weren’t all awful, but they weren’t nurturing, they weren’t too invested to really know what was going on with me. I was just kid that was eventually going to be taken out of their care again, so indifference spared them their hearts, if just a little. “

His voice begins to shake, and pale hands struggle to latch onto the edge of his sweater with the way they trembled. 

“I was depressed from the moment I hit puberty. I guess that was kind of what started me on the self-pity trip, that I deserved all the bad I got. So it was ….I didn’t-”

He hiccups, trying to regain enough composure to continue on. He had to now, or he’d never get it out.

“So I didn’t put up much of a fight when the family I was staying with had a… friend stay the weekend for my foster dad’s- Will’s birthday.”

Eren knew what was coming, but it didn’t prepare him to hurt any less as the words formed and took shape in the youngers mind. 

“He - he...did things. Did things I can’t even remember most of, all I can really remember is the horror and understanding of what was happening to me. The feeling of being so deeply dirtied- the- the reinforcement that I was dirty and that I deserved it, because where else would my parents have gone if that wasn’t the case?”

A steady stream of silent tears flowed from the alabaster cheeks, eyes red and shining with pain. Eren couldn’t help but notice that Levi was such a beautiful cryer- so, so beautiful opening up in all honesty to expose himself to someone who he couldn’t know would help him after all this. 

“I was fourteen when I ran away, I left with a backpack full of clothes and money I stole out of both my guardians wallets.”  
“I was homeless for a year, surprisingly I survived long enough for someone to take me in. I had been on and off a few street drugs here and there, but it honestly only amplified the pain I felt, so it was easy to quit while I was ahead.” 

“I met Kenny by trying to steal his wallet. I had already been hardened by the cruelty of being out on the streets so I put up a good fight when he tried to get me off him. But he was bigger than me, stronger and smarter of course, but instead of dumping me at the police’s doorstep he took me to his shitty apartment.” 

Levi’s lips almost twitched into a sorrowful smile. 

“I was terrified at first- of course expecting a repeat of Will’s friend, and Kenny all but dragged me kicking and screaming to his place. At the time he was in between jobs, so he sat with me every day, set food out and was relentless in getting me to accept his help. Said I reminded him of his son. Said son had died before the ripe old age of thirteen, I found out- Much, much later. “

Levi heard a sharp intake of breath, nodding sadly.

“Kenny was….well. He was wanted by the state, it turns out. He had been an ex-marine that derailed later on in his career. He ..he wasn’t completely right in the head. He was paranoid, terrified of conspiracies. He was convinced the government was evil and trying to destroy the world, in a sense. Which they kinda are, but not in the way he had convinced himself.”

Levi could sense the questions floating around in Eren’s infuriatingly adorable head.

“Kenny basically put me through his own personal ROTC. No restrictions, no rules saying he couldn’t do this or that. I got jumped a lot in the middle of the night. Once or twice he took me out into the middle of nowhere blindfolded. Honestly, it was hell. But I couldn’t run away again, I couldn’t ...be cold and hungry all the time again. I would end up killing myself. And Kenny. He wasn’t bad. He loved- loves me. I love him too. He’s just sick. And I tried to go along with his training as best I could. Needless to say he was very proud by the time highschool ended. I barely passed, but he had insisted that I go, in case ‘they’ were watching us. He didn’t want to arouse suspicion, he told me. But well.. He attended my graduation, as proud as any blood parent would be, and that’s when..” 

Levi’s voice began to shake again, eyes distant and far away, reliving all the cruel experiences.

“Some one had recognized him. He was taken in shortly, I was taken into custody for a long time too. After legally dubbing him insane, they shipped him off to Salem, a Psych Ward for the criminally insane. I fought it, I fought as hard as I could. Kenny had never hurt anyone, he had never broken laws other than what he did while he was still working under the government. He never told me the extent of it but..I couldn’t imagine it would be meant to harm anyone.” 

Tears started up again, Eren still silently scribbling questions to ask so as to not interrupt Levi’s momentum. 

“Kenny told them he had taken me against my will, so that they wouldn’t charge me with aiding him- he-he...was the only family I had. He was the only one and he was being taken away from me!”

Broad shoulder shook as Levi desperately dabbed at his eyes. Eren nudged one of the many tissue boxes closer to him. It was unopened, just for Levi. The shorter tore into it, blowing his dripping nose in the most un-attractive manner before continuing, voice subdued now that they seemed to be through the worst. 

“He’s still there. I’m allowed to visit everyone once in awhile if he’s behaving-.. At least he seems content, last time I saw him he seemed to be...accepting his life as it was.” 

Levi sighs, letting all the story out with it- all the emotions he had kept locked tight under the guise of self-preservation. Now was a different chapter of his life. 

“I got into college, being a legal orphan or foster kid most my life I got some pretty good benefits. Still had to work for food, necessities and the like. I decided to go into the furthest thing from the military I could find- ..Somewhere in my mind I had decided I was going to go into art.” 

He sighs- differently this time. In a way that seemed he had found some light in his life. 

“College, art...it was all so knew to me. I had never made any friends in highschool, I was always alone, always training with Kenny or studying for my mediocre grades. I tried everything, I took every class my scholarship would allow. It was all so amazing, so freeing. Even if nothing was perfect or good enough for me, the process and experience was healing. That’s when I met the newer members of my family- Farlan-”

Ah yes, the sandy-haired blonde one.

“And his girlfriend Isabel. Things were messy in the beginning, being closeted and terrified of being alone forever I flung myself at Farlan before knowing he had been in a relationship.”

Levi looks sheepish, mild shame dousing his features. All the same, his tone kept it’s lightness.

“We slept together...And It was an overall bad experience. I found out not all gay sex was rape, but I also discovered how much I hated other’s touching me. I also got a good right hook from Isabel-”  
He laughs at the memory, like she was nothing more than a feisty kitten.  
“- Funny enough she didn’t blame Farlan at all, just me. Which was ridiculous- obviously he was just as much at fault as I was- but it was resolved quickly and in no time we were all attached at the hip. They had a talent for never making me feel like a burden, or a third wheel. They also never pitied me when I told them about...my life. Bits and pieces, but they understood for the most part.”

He looks longingly at the bag encasing his laptop.

“Isabel was the one to introduce me to sculpting. She forced me to take the courses with her, and when the chance came for a little internship at a budding claymation studio, we jumped at the chance.”

The silver hues shone as he recalled the memories. Memories Eren would never be a part of, he realizes bitterly. He hadn’t been there at that time of his life. But it was silly to think that, wasn’t it? He was still a kid when Levi was in college, it was a lifetime ago. 

“I had thought sculpting was healing, but the studio was euphoric, nirvana, whatever. I stayed working at the studio for the rest of my time in school.”

And like it appeared, it was gone again. Just as quickly, Levi was back in his rut. 

“But I was too messed up, I- “

He runs thin fingers through the curtain of ink that was his hair.

“I messed it all up, Eren. I needed help, I could only pretend and dodge my problems for so long. I kept breaking, over and over, I barely graduated in the end. But I did it. Art, while it did magical, alleviating things- it also swung to the other side of the pendulum. I crashed even harder, if not worse. My works sent me in insane cycles of ecstasy and despair. I thought I was going crazy.” 

Eren holds his breath, Levi’s eyes darting everywhere around the room but at the boy.

“Mental health wasn’t viewed the same way it is now. Mental pains were expected to be willed away and seeing a shrink was something shameful- And I…”

“I’m so stupidly proud, I would never admit what was going on with me. I was so scared, I am, still. I was so scared I would end up like Uncle Kenny. Locked away in an institution, having scheduled shits, meds making you a zombie. Art was making me that way, I didn’t know how to cope. I never learned the skills.” 

And all the while, Eren could see, feel, this young man. The long stolen youth of the man affront him was just out of reach, dancing in front of his eyes mockingly. 

“So I quit. I quit art, met a guy who helped me into the company he helped run. Back then, you could weasel your way into the higher ranks without the proper degrees. I transferred from that to a better paying position in Microsoft. I bullshited my way through, learning code as I went.” 

He shrugs as to say that’s it, sinking pack into the cushions of the chair, breathing labored as if he had just run a marathon. 

“Oh-”

He adds as an afterthought that had Eren almost reeling. 

“My mom found me, Junior year of college. The studio I worked at had my name in the credit’s, which she happened to see. I was bitter for a long time, when she first came to me. But finally I got it through my thick skull to actually listen to her. She told me she was too young, too unstable to raise a child in a good home. That she would rather me hate her than be the one to ruin me. She has many the same problems as I, but she was always better at keeping herself in check. We’re honestly more like friends, at this point. She was never very motherly. Cares in her own weird way, I guess.” 

Levi figured he might as well put everything out into the open, since he was having this shit-for-feelings fest, regurgitating his life story onto Eren. Levi had talked almost an hour straight, Eren realizes after glancing at the clock. They only had ten minutes left. 

“Well-” 

Eren huffs, very clearly impressed, surprised, and a mixture of protective and sorrowful for the smaller man across him. Like always, heart on his sleeve.

“I only have a few questions today. “

Levi nods wearily, but with certainty. 

“At this point I’m all fuckin’ yours.”

Eren tries at a half smile, glancing down at the ugly carpeting. Trying to stay upbeat and productive when all he wanted was to wrap Levi in one million blankets and never let him out of his sight. Maybe feed him hot chocolate and cookies.

“What are you going to do now that you’ve told me all this?”

Levi blinks back his surprise. Out of all the things he could have asked- details on the rape, details of his mild post traumatic stress, anything else. It had to be the broad fucking intellectual questions Levi had to work to answer. Fucking brat Therapist.  
“I don’t know.”

“I think you should focus on that for now.” 

“But I don’t know what the answer would be, I don’t know what to change, if at all. There’s so much.”

He was getting panicky and overwhelmed just thinking about it.

“I know, Levi. I know all too well. But we have to start somewhere. And it’s up to you to decide what it is you think is most important.” 

The automatic response in his head was the germs. The trauma from being violated so young, so that maybe he could… maybe..

He swallows thickly, tasting cotton on his tongue and the desert down his throat. 

He wanted to touch Eren, and have Eren touch him. He wanted it to be okay, and happy and wonderful like it was supposed to be. Experience Eren like Eren was supposed to be experienced. Personal and raw and spontaneous. All the things Levi was so hopelessly far away from. He wanted to share drinks from the same glass and maybe even kiss him, all over the caramel skin that was meant to be experienced.

But these thoughts were only fleeting, and were dismissed as soon as they appeared. 

“I think you should focus on that.”

Levi nods. Spent, and burnt out from this session. God, if only he felt like this every night he might actually get some sleep. Something tells him he would have quite the rest tonight. 

“I think I know, though. Or at least, the first step.”

“Oh?”

“I...want exposure therapy.”

Eren looks at him as if he were some sort of intriguing, but frustrating puzzle.

“I don’t want to be scared of microscopic little shits that only exist in my head anymore.”

Eren nods, jotting a note down on his legal pad. 

“I have just the person. I’ll contact her soon before you change your mind.”

Levi reluctantly agrees, knowing full well he would most definitely change his mind.

 

_________________________________________________________________

 

Levi had no idea what he was expecting, but Annie Leonhardt was definitely not it. 

“Touch it tiny fucker, it has not been five minutes.” 

He would have been offended, had he been your average Joe, but Levi took no offense to the wrath that was Annie’s vicious therapy. Eren had called him late one night to tell him that his friend was available, and that he was sure she was the perfect fit. Eren sounded delighted, and now Levi knew why.

So here they were, at the goddamned gum wall. 

Go big or go home, I guess.

He couldn’t figure out Annie's method, if there was more to it than brutally forcing Levi as far as he could go, which he was almost certain they had passed at touching a fucking subway seat. His skin still itched. But he did it, out of sheer will power to prove the overpowering Russian he wasn’t a bitch baby. And damn, if she made him felt like a scolded child, he couldn’t imagine how she made other, lesser mortals feel. And how the fuck did she and Eren even manage to become friends? He could imagine Eren all but sobbing at even a pointed gaze from the girl, the kid was so sensitive. 

“Levee-”

He was fairly certain she butchered his name on purpose.

“If you do not touch vall in ten seconds, I vill throw your puny body into it.”

It was now or never. He closes his eyes and breathes, hand inching- inching toward the wall. His anxiety was through the roof, and he didn’t know if closing his eyes aided him or made it all the more worse. It was a game of chicken, and his stomach dropped every time he thought he was close enough to touch it. He was shaking like a fucking leaf and it didn’t help that Annie's evil eyes of persuasion were burning a hole in him. But fuck him if he couldn’t prove himself to the blonde girl. He would prevail. He would.

And then it happened. He felt it, the stale, rubbery flesh of gummy abomination. He felt it. On his hand. 

He was going to have a panic attack.

No, he was currently having a panic attack.

His chest was wracked with the inability to draw enough air, he trembled and he wanted to vomit, over and over to get the feeling of the dirt, the grime out of his system, flush it out- detox, anything something. 

He could barely hear the mild russian accent drifting toward his ears, the only thing in the current situation grounding him.

Ah, so this is why she was so good. 

Of course he only thought that for a moment before dropping to wrap his arms around his knees, burying his head into himself so as to not sob right then and there. I mean, he had some self-control left.

Yeah, right. 

“Levi-”

So she could pronounce his name right. That shitty kid.

“Levi, breathe, please.”

Well this was weird. This tough-as-nails, pulls-beats-from-the-cold-hard-Russian-soil-in-the-middle-of-winter, girl somehow managed to also have the softest, and what was that, caring, voice?

“Deep breath, in, out. The vall cannot hurt you, Levi, It is just gum. And you a human being, capable of many great things. But zis vall is stopping you, zis stupid, inhuman vall somehow manages to stand in your vay because you let it. You cannot let it, anymore. You need to kick it’s ass.” 

He peeks up at her, she was now standing closer, looking down at him with an impassive expression so much like his own. He still didn’t feel better, he still needed a scalding shower when he got home, and maybe to vomit a couple of times, but he would survive. It was okay. 

A shaking breath later, and stretching of wobbly legs, Levi was too exhausted to worry about getting into Annie's car. They drove back in silence, Annie knowing he needed quiet to process what he had done, and what she had told him. 

The silence was only broken when he crawled out of the MINI Cooper.

“Levee-”

Godamn her.

“You did vell. I look forvard to our next meeting.” 

And with that, he closed the door, gave a little salute as she drove off. 

His wary legs barely dragged him to the elevator, and on more than one occasion he almost tripped over his own feet, but he made it. Stripping his clothes one by one, he made a trail toward the washroom. Now that a shower was being acquired, his focus went to the next item on his mental list. 

He wanted to call Eren. 

But did Eren even want to be called? Levi had never called him first before. It was always Eren initiating...well. Everything. And why would the green-eyed therapist even want him to call? What was the point? Levi’s pathetic. He had a panic attack in public because he touched a fucking wall. Who would every want to be associated with someone like that?

Levi does his best to think of something else, choosing instead to meticulously scrub his body down. Twice, and then three times, to be sure, and once more after that because somewhere in the back of his mind his brain was screaming that he hadn’t washed enough. But that sated the screeching organ.

He dries off, thankful he had washed all the towels in the apartment yesterday, and wanders down the hall naked in search of clothes. It was surprising, but he actually quite enjoyed wandering his home in nothing but his skin. But, before he could find any, he heard the shrill ringing of his phone. And not the standard ringtone, either. No, this was Eren’s. 

He couldn’t help but grin as he picked up, flopping into his bed to get comfy.


End file.
